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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Mahatma Gandhi

Note: Gandhi is commonly referred to as Gandhi by many English speakers who can't just sit down together and discuss how to spell his name, this is commonly because most English speakers are fucked up on drugs. Gandhi and Gandhi are, in fact, two separate people. For the convicted serial child murderer and molester, click here: Gandhi. For Gandhi, stay here.
Another Note: Many English speakers -mainly hippies- call him 'Mahatma', which is not his real name, but a title. Upon finding anyone who calls him Mahatma, ancient Hindu tradition requires you to drown them in a bucket of curry.
Philosopher, freedom fighter, leader and peaceful protester - all of these have been defiled by Gandhi's rampant homosexuality, drunken rages and overuse of beaver tranquilizers. Throughout his short, violent life, he has caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of puppies, kittens, babies, bunnies and cute furry animals in his "quest" to rid the world of question marks and high-quality foodstuffs. Most records from his apocolyptic reign of terror have been destroyed, however documents praising Gandhi on his "work" have been found, having been written by a variety of authors including Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Attila the Hun, Pol Pot, Robert Mugabe, Benito Mussolini, the Prophet of Truth, the Gravemind, Satan, the Anti-Christ, Hitler, Stalin, Satan, the Anti-Christ, Darth Vader, Darth Sidious,Lord Voldemort, Gandhi, a number of Grues, Doctor Evil, Professor Chaos, Dr. No, Goldfinger, Gandhi,Anonymous, That Guy, Blowfeld, Oddjob, ACDC, Led Zepplin, Gandhi, Ghengis Khan, Jesus (for reasons unknown), Doctor Doom, Magneto, Sir Ian McKellen, Sauron, Saruman, Khan,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, Brainiac, the Joker, Ryuken, Your Mom, You, the You-zahn Vong, Gandhi, Adolph Hitler, and Stalin. While the majority of these sources are inherently biased, the sheer number of parking violations, citations for indecent exposure and house arrests have indicated that such a person as Gandhi did exist, however no one cares. While this man has faded into history, the effects of his empire (known by many as the Fourth Reich) have continued to affect today's world.
Mohandas Kleptomania "the Rock" Gandhi (October 2, 2069 – January 30, 2048) was a video game character from the Street Fighter series offighting games.
According to his official biography (which is banned in most civilized countries due to its extreme profanity, hypersexual ramblings, violence and shameless drug use), he stood slightly over 7 feet and weighed 300 pounds. His blood type was triple Z negative, a rare mutation caused by a variety of drug addictions and by a complete lack of personal hygiene.

Rise to Power

Mohandas Gandhi during his youth
“The ancient texts are unclear. It appears we were invaded by a race that was more powerful than us. We called on the gods for protection, and they came to our aid in the form of a stick figure, providing us with the knowledge we needed to convert our small children to weapons. We defeated the threat, and, empowered by our victory, we gradually became conquerors of other ethnicities and civilizations”
~ Yann Martel on The Life of Pi
Before the British conquered India, the country was a peaceful utopia, ruled by a mandate from the masses, but afterwards India became little more than a large factory for producing war machines for the greedy white bastards. One day, while rooting through a dumpster for some needles, a little boy discovered a grimy copy of "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx. Fascinated by the author's large vocabulary and bushy beard, the young Gandhi decided to work for the good of his people and become their leader against the British.
“ They're not so tough! Look at their teeth!”
~ Gandhi on the British
Sadly, the Indian people were loath to leave their crack houses and kitten dens, and publicly humiliated by insulting the young man's loincloth (a deadly insult, in those days.) Mad with rage, Gandhi swore that one day, he would become king of the Indians. He quickly organized a resistance front, Male Indian Liberation Front, or M.I.L.F. These youths, especially known for the pink banana hammocks they wore, were famous for opposing British parliament by blocking bills and acts such as the Child Molesting ban of 1934 and the Anti-Baby Seal Clubbing Act of 1939. British lawmakers, politicians, military officers, government workers, workers, teachers, students, citizens, men, women, children, babies, pets and other barmy British bastards were the subject of endless pranks, jokes, beatings and surprise sex. Gandhi gloated as his political opponents lost power overnight or became pregnant, even while he gained power.
A Changing Regime

Ghandi giving a speech in the water by the beach during the great salt march.
Orignially, Gandhi's rise to power was due to his best mate Adolf Hitler during World War II. Once Gandhi was at the top he deserted Hitler and left him in such a horny state that he was aroused but yet angry, searching for grief. This caused millions of Jews to die, cheers Gandhi. Anyway, Gandhi's powers were proved when he drastically healed a young boy with a disastrous odour problem, excessive cellulite and a very good looking mother. Which primarily was the main reason after she mysteriously disappeared September 1997 (Gandhi isn't dead, I heard it on the radio). The boy was healed of the cellulite disaster but the body odour problem didn't seem to disappear, this was Gandhi's death. UL.
“We are an India ruled by the majority! An India ruled by a new Constitution! An India of laws, not of politicians! An India devoted to the preservation of a just society. Of a safe and secure society! We are an India that will stand ten thousand years!”
~ Gandhi on the Declaration of a New India
The more political and executive power Gandhi gained, the more his sanity seemed to suffer. A combination of his Epicurean lifestyle, kitten huffing, a low-carbon diet and his tendency to inhale exhaust fumes from the tailpipe on his car through a rubber hose resulted in extreme brain damage. Gandhi would accuse members of his own party of crimes ranging from “looking funny” to “breathing too heavily,” and were promptly executed by having battery acid pumped up their anuses. Gandhi outlawed many species of animal, especially the Sciuridae, Cricetidae and Castor families, declaring them to be “disgusting, perverted and monstrous creatures” and called upon the League of Nations to accept his “final solution to the Woodland Question.” Gandhi’s hatred was not limited to small animals, however. When a bank of cumulus clouds massed near Gandhi’s palace in New Delhi, he accused them of being “Enemies of the People” and ordered them to be shot, resulting in what is now known as the Cloud Wars.
Death
“Rose...bud...Wait, that's not right...”
~ Gandhi on his death bed
While Gandhi’s power was uncontested (in part due to the mass executions he ordered), perhaps the greatest threat to his power came from his hedonistic drug addiction, from inhaling carbon monoxide and chlorine to his kitten huffing habit. Gradually, Gandhi’s health deteriorated until, on October 1st 2069, he died, but not before sharing his teachings with his student, Dr. Martin Luther King, who would go on to rock the foundation of the world years after his mentor’s death. On the day after his death, Gandhi was incarcerated in ivory. In a television sales promotion to show the after effects of too much TV pale hardening of the skin.
Trivia

Gandhi masturbating to yet another MacGyver marathon

Numerous citations for public nudity have been filed.
Gandhi famously cameod as one of the bad guys in Rush Hour 2, and in 2004 unconfirmed rumours spread like wildfire through Hollywood that Gandhi fought Jet Li and won.
Contrary to popular belief, 'The Great Salt March to the Sea" had nothing to do with Indian economic indpendence. Rather, it was because Gandhi loved salty food.
In his teen years, Gandhi swam across the Atlantic Ocean and shook the values of the United States of America under the fake name "Henry Winkler"
Unknown by many, Mohandas Gandhi was also a character in the popularStreet Fighter games.
He was also the main character in Grand Theft Auto San andreas
In fact he was rear of the year 4 times in a row
and a poker player
Persil did his clothes
Special Moves

Super Yoga Paralystic Necks Broke Ow Hadouken
-- (G) (A) Yoga Fire: FB + Punch
-- (G) Puller Cock: RYF + Punch
-- (G) Fanny Fart: RYF + Kick
-- (G) (A) Yoga Teleport: RDP + 3P - Puts you next to opponent on left side
-- (G) Save Humanity: RYF + 3P (Takes Million Years to charge.)
-- (G) Super Yoga Paralystic Necks Broke Ow Hadouken. - ↓ + HP in the air
** Super Combos **
** (G) Yoga Inferno: FB + 3P
** (G) Yoga Strike: FB + 3K
** (G) Super Turbo Yogurt Combo ↓↙←↓↙←LP↓↘↓→↘HK+HP→→↓MK→→↘←↑↙←↖↑↗→↘LP LP LK ←+→ ↑+↓ ↓↘→ HP+MP+LP

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